There is something really powerful about the moon. Since you’ve been gone I have found myself consistently called to live by it’s magneticism. I did not understand until recently that the moon (lunar) is female. Essentially feminine energy. The sun is masculine. Two opposing forces. You were a Leo (fire) and I am a Taurus (earth). If every energy is a positive and a negative charge then I am the receiver and you were the giver. That is what you have with two opposing energies. There is something always to be discovered in solitude, in the woo-woo or what I have heard it be referred to as the woo. These little things like birthdays and zodiac signs and all the things that worked for Galileo but we forget about.
Tonight is a full moon. The full moon usually marks the end of a lunar cycle. Normally whatever negativity we have held within us should be released. The thing about this release, is that it requires deep introspection and essentially the ability to call oneself out. Who the hell wants to call the self out? Apparently this year I have wanted to do just that. So tonight I wrote a letter about all the things that I needed to let go of and threw that letter into this little fire pit in my new backyard. Coincidentally this full moon marked me putting the last of your things in a storage unit. This was not by design but necessity as I was able to hire someone only for Monday night on TaskRabbit to move your heavy trunks filled with your things so that in some years our boys can open them and see a part of who you were.
You are somewhere among the stars and I sit here on this Earth with our babies releasing the past. The past which you have been such a vital and important part of. I asked myself how best to remember you in my home. I took a part of the wall with some shelving on it. I placed your ashes and your obituary that I wrote, along with the cross that laid on your casket and put them on the top shelf. I placed your father’s ashes and your mother’s ashes on the second shelf so that they are close to you too. I placed a sign that said because “someone we love is in Heaven, there is a little bit of Heaven in our home” so that it would help the boys see that Death is never final. I placed your burial flag that the United States Army soldier sympathetically handed to me along with your Police Officer hat and your official Army photograph in the third shelf. Yet when I took a step back and examined this shrine to the past I still wondered “Is this enough”? I hope that it is. I don’t want you to be a shadow of a memory in people’s mind, primarily our sons’ which is why I do what I must do to continue honoring you.
The past is a funny thing isn’t it? We hold on sometimes when we really need to let go. To start anew I guess. I have cut and I mean CUT so many things (and people – primarily the empty no moral kind having) from my life in the last year. I assure you it feels wonderful and I am quite proud of my ability to do so. The things is that I’ve realized this is more a trait you inhabited then one I did. You were good at telling people to go. This was admirable. It might have taken you awhile at times to do so, but when you did, it was permanent. Cutting you out though is never an option. You are present. So this brings me back to the full moon and the power of letting go.
It’s quite right that this full moon is called the Harvest moon. The traditional time when farmer’s reaped what they sowed in the last year. It’s my time to reap what I’ve sowed in the last year. So this isn’t goodbye or a cut from the past. Just my time to live a new life based on the events that have unfolded recently. For those reading this I hope you take the time to think about what life you want to live and GO live it. Don’t care about the opinions of others. Their opinions are not tied to your happiness. At the end of the day all that matters is being a good person, maintaining a set of boundaries and having a high moral standard. Reap what you sow.